Paddy &
Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster!
Paddy missed the tube & Mick came on the bus!!
A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy odered a whiskey. The
stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust 'I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor
touch my lips!'
Paddy handed his drink back & said 'Me too, I didnt know we had a choice!'
Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks 'How many people are
flying with you?'
Paddy replies 'I dont know! Its your f***ing plane!!'
Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night. After 3 hours of
amazing sex Paddy says 'I wonder how the girls are getting on'
Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses & lies
on the bed spreadeagled & says 'You know what I want dont you?'
'Yeah,' says Paddy. 'The whole friggin bed by the looks of it!'
Q. Whats a Catholic priest & a pint of Guiness got in common?
A. Black coat, white collar & you've got to watch your arse if you get a
dodgy one!
Paddy the electrician got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not
servicing the electric chair. He said in his
professional opinion it was a death trap!
Paddy's chat up lines:
1. Did ya fart? 'Cos ya just blew me away!
2. Are your parents retarded? 'Cos your special!
3. My love for you is like diarrhoea. I just cant hold it in!
4. Is there a mirror in your knickers? 'Cos I can see myself in them!
5. Your body reminds me of a spanner. Evertime I think of you my nuts
tighten up!
6. You might not be the best looking girl in here, but beauty is only a
light switch away!
Paddy & his wife are lying in bed & the neighbour's dog is barking like mad
in the garden. Paddy says 'To hell with this!'
& storms off.
He comes back upstairs 5 mins later & his wife asks 'What did you do?'
Paddy replies 'Ive put the dog in our garden, lets see how they like it!'
An Irishman is $h@gging a Jewish girl & says 'You're not very tight for a
Jew!'
She says 'Well you're not very thick for a Paddy!'
Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue. 'Be
Jeysus!' he said, 'I didnt even know they had
mobile phones!'
Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick say 'Crikey!
Theres a bloke here who was 152!'
Paddy says 'Whats his name?'
Mick replies 'Miles from London !'
An Irishman is rowing his boat in a field of hay.. Paddy drives past &
stops. He looks at the Irishman in the boat & shouts 'Its thick t**ts like
you that give us Irish a bad name! I'd come over there & kick the f**k out
of you if I could swim!'
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you serious?
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you serious? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.
Can I get a new attorney?
ATTORNEY: How was your first
marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your
autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to
rephrase that?
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST
be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy on him!
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give
a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
And the best for last?
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.
Mrs. McGervey was walking down O'Connell Street in
> Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.
> The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' to ye!
> Aren't ye Mrs. McGervey and didn't I marry ye and
> yer hoosband 2 years ago?'?
> She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'
>
> The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones
> yet?'
>
> She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'
>
> The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next
> week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer
> hoosband.'
>
> She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father.' They then
> parted ways.
>
> Some years later they met again. The Father asked,
> 'Well now, Mrs. McGervey, how are ye these days?'
>
> She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!' The Father
> asked, 'And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?'
>
> She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4
> singles,?10 in all!'
>
> The Father said, 'That's wonderful! How is yer
> lovin' hoosband doing?'?
>
> She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer
> fookin' candle
The following questions and answers were collected from last year'sJunior exam results in Kinnegad,Westmeath . These are genuine
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow. [He got an A]
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? ( e.g.abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax the
abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels,A,E,I,O and U.
Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.
Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome .
Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.
Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport
Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas.
Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its
meaning.
A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.
Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
|
'Twas doon by the inch o' Abbots Oor Johnny walked one day When he saw a sicht that troubled him Far more that he could say A fanatic muslim b ** tard Wiz doin what he'd planned And intae Glesca's departure hall A Cherokee he'd rammed.
A big Glaswegian polis Came forward tae assist He thocht "a wumman driver" Or at least someone half-pis * * ed But to his shock nae drunken Jock Emerged to grasp his hand But a flamin Arab loony Frae Al Qaeda's band
The mad Islamist nut-case Had set hissel' on fire And swung oot at the polis GBH his clear desire Now that's no richt wur Johnny cried And sallied tae the fray A left hook and a heid butt Required tae save the day.
Now listen up Bin Laden Yir sort's nae wanted here For imported English radicals Us Scoatsman huv nae fear Oor hame grown Glesca Asians Will have nae bluidy truck So tak yer worldwide jihad An get yersel tae F*** |
A blind man enters a "Ladies Bar" by mistake. He finds his way to a bar
stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the
bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"The bar immediately falls
absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
"Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair (given that you are
blind) that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 feet tall, 220 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight
lifter.
5. The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and declares, "Nah....Not
if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their
family member lay gravely ill.
Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the
worried faces.
"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.
It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.
Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain
yourselves.."
The family members sat silent as they! absorbed the news. After a great
length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"
The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a
female brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding
eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.
A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone
wanted to ask,
"Why is the male brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire
group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the
price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order.
"That will be £9.40 please," she says and the man reaches into his pocket and
pulls out the exact amount for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger,
fries, and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact amount.
For a while this becomes routine until the two enter again later in the week.
"The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this time it's a treat, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad,"
says the man.
" Yep! Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be £32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact amount out of his pocket and places it on the
table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me,sir. How do
you manage to always come up with the exact money from your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was clearing the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a couple of million pounds or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a pint of milk or a
Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and replies, "My second wish was for a tall bird with a
big arse and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
A man had great tickets for the
World Cup Final.
As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in
the
empty seat next to him.
"No," he says. "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible!" says the other man. "Who in their right mind would
have a seat like this for the World Cup Final, the biggest sporting event,
and not use it?"
"Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with
me, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven't been
to together since we got married."
"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find
someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head. "No. They're all at the funeral."
Think before you speak...
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
___________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on
him!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting in a jar on my desk.
ATTORNEY: But nevertheless could the patient have still been alive?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
> An English family
head out one Saturday to do some shopping. While in
the
> sports shop the son picks up a Scotland football shirt and says to his
> sister, "I've decided to be a Scotland Supporter and I would like this
for
> my birthday".
> His sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him round the head
and
> says, "Go talk to your mother".
> So off goes the little lad with the Blue Football shirt in hand and
finds
> his mother.
> "Mum?" "Yes son?" "I've decided I'm going to be a Scotland supporter
and I
> would like this shirt for my birthday".
> The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head
and
> says, "Go talk to your father".
> Off he goes with the football shirt in hand and finds his father.
"Dad?"
> "Yes son?" "I've decided I'm going to be a Scotland supporter and I
would
> like this shirt for my birthday".
> The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head and
says:
> "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!"
> About half an hour later they're all back in the car and heading
towards
> home.
> The father turns to his son and says "Son, I hope you've learned
something
> today?"
> The son says, "Yes dad I have."
> "Good son, what is it?"
> The son replies, "I've only been a Scotland supporter for an hour and
> already I hate you English b*%tards"
Subject: ..... > >Genius of Peter Kay... > >
1) I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess'
on it. I said, 'Thyroid
>problem? >
2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I
>realized that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him
>to forgive me. >
3) My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten
>years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father. >
4) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go
>swimming. >
5) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on
>with my real ladder. >
6) I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered
>French Toast during the Renaissance. >
7) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But
>one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my
>bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was
>sticks and stones all the way. >
8) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why
>he got thrown out of the fire brigade. >
9) Sex is like a game of bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you'd
>better have a good hand. >
10) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said
>'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.' >
11) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of
>meat? >
12) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give
>the wrong answers. >
13) You know that look women get when they want s*x? Me neither. > >
Peter Kay's questions... >
1. Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when
you get undressed? >
2. If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the
>core of the earth? >
3. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed? >
4. Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your *rse? >
5. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is
>stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?
>7. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
>8. Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for
>centuries' have a 'use by' date? >
9. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible
>crisp no one would eat? >
10. Is French kissing in France just called kissing? >
11. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze
>these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'? >
12. What do people in China call their good plates? >
13. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't
>point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is? >
14. What do you call male ballerinas? >
15. Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'? >
16. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? >
17. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
>vegetables, then what is baby oil made from? >
18. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion
>stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet
>paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure? >
19. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup? >
20. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at
>you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of the
>window? > >
Peter Kay's Universal Truths >
1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square
ones. >
2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying. >
3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your
>pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger. >
4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps. >
5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a
>calculator >
6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible. >
7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly. >
8) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a
>fire in your back garden. >1
0) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl. >
11) You never know where to look when eating a banana. >
12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat. >
13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly. >
14) Rummaging in an overgrow garden will always turn up a bouncy ball. >
15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses. >
16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school. >
17) the most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your
>teacher mum or dad. >
18) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the
>first given opportunity. >
19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches. >
20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way
>through and then raced against the flush. >
21) Old women with mobile phones look wrong. >
22) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee. >
23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited. >
24) You never ever run out of salt. >
25) Old ladies can eat more than you think. >
26) You can't respect a man who carries a dog. >
27) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got
>your hand or head stuck in something. >
28) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers. >
29) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their
>arm broken by a swan. >
30) the most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an
>upturned plug. >
31) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard. >
32) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood
>specifically to stir paint with. >
33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose. >
34) Bricks are horrible to carry. >
35) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip. >
36) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a
>fruit salad! > > >
===========================================================================================================
14 things a man can do at Asda while his wife is taking her time:
01.. Get 24 boxes of condoms & randomly put them in people's trolleys when they aren't looking.
02. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals.
03. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the ladies toilet.
04. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone: 'Code 3 in Housewares... and see what happens.
05. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on credit.
06. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
07. Set-up a tent in the Camping Department? and tell other shoppers you are sleeping over and invite them in if they bring pillows from the Bedding Department.
08. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask: "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
09. Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick your nose.
10. While handling large knives in the Kitchen Dept, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are located.
11. Dart around the store suspiciously, while loudly humming the theme from Mission Impossible.
12. Hide in a clothing rack .. . . and when people browse through, say: "PICK ME!!! PICK ME!!!"
13. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, hit the floor and assume the fetal position and scream "NO!...It's those voices again!!!"
And last but not least:
14. Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while... then yell
loudly: "There's no toilet paper in here!"
=======================================================================================================>>>: My boyfriend, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the otherday so he would be able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big f*cking red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.
>>>: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>>>: My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will
>>>: make you
>>>: happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I
>>>: squirted it
>>>: all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.
>>>: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>>>: Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
>>>:
>>>: A: A rumour.
>>>: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>>>: He said 'Shall we try swapping positions tonight?'.
>>>:
>>>: She said 'That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart'.
>>>: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>>>: Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
>>>:
>>>: A: 45 minutes.
>>>: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>>>: Q: What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
>>>:
>>>: A: Through his chest with a sharp knife.
>>>: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>>>: Q: Why do men want to marry virgins?
>>>:
>>>: A: They can't stand criticism.
>>>: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>>>: Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive,caring, and good looking?
>>>:
>>>: A: Because those men already have boyfriends.
>>>: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>>>: Q: What makes men chase women if they have no intention of: marrying?
>>>:
>>>: A: The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention
>>>: of
>>>: driving
>>>: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>>>: Q: What do you do if you see a man running around with half a head?
>>>:
>>>: A: Reload and try again!
=============================================================================
Corporate Lesson 1
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower
when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs
downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you £800 to drop that towel." After
thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of
Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her £800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up
in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband
asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.
"Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the £800 he owes me?"
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and
risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent
avoidable exposure.
Corporate Lesson 2
A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her
gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the
car, he stealthily slid his hand down to her leg. The nun said, "Father,
remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let
his hand slide down to her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember
Psalm 129?" The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church,
the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up
you will find glory."
Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a
great opportunity.
Corporate Lesson 3
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when
they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie
says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." "Me first! Me first!" says the
administration clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without
a care in the world." Poof! She's gone. "Me next! Me next!" says the sales
rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse,
an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those
two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
Corporate Lesson 4
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him, "Can I
also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why
not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. A fox jumped
on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very
high up.
Corporate Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of
that tree," the turkey sighed, but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't
you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull." They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength
to reach the lowest branch of
the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second
branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of
the tree. He was soon spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullsh*t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you
there.
=========================================================================
A man is dining in a
fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead
sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down,
but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass
eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man.
He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you, " she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the
theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest
dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she
asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for
breakfast.
They have a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy
is amazed! ! Everything had been SO incredible! !! !
"You know, " he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to
every guy you meet? "
"No, " she replies. . . . . "
Wait for it. .
It's coming. .
The suspense is killing you, isn't it?
She says :
"You just happened to catch my eye. "
===========================================================================
THE RULES OF MANHOOD
(1) Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
(2) It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c). After wrecking your boss' car.
d). One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
e). When she is using her teeth
(3) Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his mates.
(4) Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
(5) If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.
(6) Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden. Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
(7) No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional.
(8) On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
(9) When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
(10) You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulence entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
(11) It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and it's free.
(12) Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another bloke in the nuts. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
(13) Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
(14) If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
(15) Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
(16) A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
(17) Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both - that's just mean.
(18) If you complement a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
(19) Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a mate of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
(20) Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b) b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c) Another set and we can hit the showers!
(21) Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e. Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
(22) Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
(23) The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.
(24) It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.
(25) Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime, green, orange or sky blue. >
(26) The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets a Playstation 2
=============================================================================
|
Never try to outsmart a woman!
There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die. I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me." And so he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him. Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket; his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" She had a box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and the rolled it awa! y. So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband." The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him." "You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!? "I sure did" said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, he can spend it." Women Are Smarter Than Men Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. Going to a singles' bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away. "I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars." The woman went home with Charles, and the next day she became his stepmother.
|
A man enters a confessional and says to
the Irish Priest, "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I've
had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month."
The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three 'Hail
Mary's'."
Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since
my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last
two months."
This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green?"
" A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies.
"Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's'."
The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a
gorgeous, tall woman enters the church.
All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits
down in front of the Altar.
Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.
The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly
spread apart, Sharon Stone-style. The priest turns to the altar boy and
whisperingly asks, "Is that Fannie Green?"
the altar boy replies, "No Father,
I think its just the reflection off her shoes".
=================================================================
A couple attending an
art exhibition at the National Gallery were
staring at a portrait that had them totally confused. The painting
depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a park bench. Two of
the men had black pen1ses, but the one seated in the middle, had a pink
pen1s. The curator of the gallery realized the confused couple were
having trouble with interpreting the painting and offered his
assessment. He went on and on for nearly half an hour explaining how it
depicted the s?xual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominantly
white, patriarchal society. "In fact", he pointed out, "some serious
critics believe that the pink pen1s reflects the cultural and
sociological oppression expressed by gay men in a contemporary society".
After the curator left, a Scotsman man approached the couple and said,
"Would you like to know what the painting is really about?" "Now why
would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the
Gallery?" asked the couple. "Because I'm the guy who painted it," he
replied. "In fact, there is no African-American representation at all.
They're just three Scottish coal-miners. The guy in the middle went home
for lunch."
=============================================================i
Male Comebacks to Female Comebacks to Male Chat up Lines
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Really? I heard it was because everyone there called you a fat sl*t.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: There's no need to get on your knees and suck on my c0ck just yet
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: That's cool, cause after I'm done sha88ing you in the back of my car, I don't give a sh*t where you go.
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.
Man: No problem, I'll just shoot my load up your a$se.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?
Man: Probably, cause you seem like the kind of chick that is impossible to shake off once you've been sha88ed.
Man: Would you like to dance?
Woman: I'd rather eat glass.
Man: I think you mis-heard me. I said you look fat in those pants.
Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Fortunately, somewhere else.
Man: Just as well cos I've been sha88ing your mum while your dad watches.
Man: You're pretty
Woman: Pi55 off.
Man: Don't interrupt, You're pretty... ugly, you fat b1tch.
================================================================================================================================================
Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday and I wasn't feeling too good that morning. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and probably have a present for me. As it turned out, she didn't even say good morning, let alone any happy birthday. I thought, well, that's wives for you, the children will remember.. The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent.. As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, "Good morning, Boss. Happy Birthday". And I felt a little better that someone had remembered. I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. "Let's go!" We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; instead we went out to a private little place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment." After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable ""Sure!" I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ----followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday. And I just sat there ---- on the couch ---- naked
===========================================================================
While I was driving down the
M6 the other day, (going a little faster than I should have been) I passed under
a bridge only to see a copper on the other side with a radar gun laying in wait.
The copper pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic
patronising smirk, asked:
"Runway too
short?"
To which I
replied, "I'm late for work."
To which he
asked, "What do you do?"
"I'm a rectum
stretcher," I responded.
The copper was
surprised and confused. "A what? A rectum stretcher?? And just what does a
rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," I
said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers,
then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, work side to side until I can
get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch the hole, until it's
about 6 feet."
Then the
copper asked questioningly and cautiously, "And just what do you do with a
six-foot arsehole?"
To which I
politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."
Speeding
ticket: £105.00
Court costs:
£45
Look on
copper's face: Priceless....
######################################################################
A Glesga Burd goes tae the social tae
register fur child benefit.
"How many children?" asks the civil servant "10" replies the girl.
"10???" says the civil servant.. "What are their names?"
"Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec and.....eh...Alec
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naw..." says the girl "its great because if thur oot playin in the street,
ah jist huv tae shout ALEC, YER DINNER'S READY or ALEC, GO TO BED NOW 'n'
they aw dae it..."
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed civil
servant.
"'at's easy," says the girl... "Ah just use thur surnames"
####################################################################
A Glesga burd walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on
the counter. "Ah'll be back ra morra efternin tae pick up ma dress." she
says.
"Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear.
"Naw" she replies. "This time it's mayonnaise."
####################################################################
Glesga burd enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator. The man says "Choose
from our range on the wall."
She says "Gies that rid yin"
The man replies "That's a fire extinguisher."
####################################################################
A Glesga burd is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and bleeding.
The paramedics soon arrive on site.
Medic: "It's OK I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some questions?"
Girl: "Awright"
Medic: "What's your name?"
Girl: "Senga."
Medic: "OK Senga, is this your car?"
Morag: "Aye."
Medic: "Where are you bleeding from?"
Morag: "Fu***n' Springburn."
####################################################################
A Glesga burd was driving down the M8 when her car phone rang. It was her
boyfriend, urgently warning her, "Listen Doll, I just heard on the news that
thur's a motor gawn the wrang wie oan the M8. Better watch yersel'!"
"It's no' jist wan motor!" said the girl, "There's fu***n' hunners argh!
thump!"
####################################################################
Another Gelsga burd was involved in a serious crash; there's blood
everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till
she's lying flat out on the floor.
Medic: "OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed."
Danielle: "Ok."
Medic: "Ok the how many fingers am I putting up?"
Danielle: "Oh my god I'm paralysed fae' the waist down!"
####################################################################
A Glesga burd and a Weegie guy are in a bar when the girl notices something
strange about the Nikes the guy is wearing. She says, "Here mate, ah no'
tryin tae take the piss ur any'hin lik' that, but how come you've goat an L
oan wan ae yur gutties 'n' an R oan the other wan?"
So the guy smiles, puts down his bottle of cider and replies, "Coz I'm a bit
thick so Ah huv tae huv an L oan ma left fit 'n' an R oan ma ma right wan."
"F*** sake" exclaims the girl "So thats how ma thongs've goat C&A oan
thum!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
These are from a book called "Disorder in the Court." These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters. How did they keep from laughing while these were all taking place?
_____________________________________________________________
Judge: "Well, Sir, I have reviewed this case and
I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."
Husband: "That's fair, your honor. I'll try to
send her a few bucks myself."
______________________________________________
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year
_____________________________________________
Q: What gear were you in at moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
_____________________________________________
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your
memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of
something you've forgotten?
______________________________________________
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember
which!
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
______________________________________________
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to
you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
_________________________________________
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
_______________________________________
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
________________________________________
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to
school for it.
________________________________________
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were
your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got
out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
________________________________________
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person
dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Would you repeat that question, please?
________________________________________
Q: The youngest son, the 20-year old, how old is
he?
_________________________________________
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
_________________________________________
Q: So the date of conception of (the baby) was
August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
A: I resent that question.
_________________________________________
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
__________________________________________
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
__________________________________________
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
_________________________________________
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?
_________________________________________
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant
to a deposition that
I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
________________________________________
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed
on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
________________________________________
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK?
A: OK.
Q: What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
_________________________________________
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the
body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p. m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why
I was doing an autopsy on him.
___________________________________________
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
___________________________________________
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did
you check for pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was
alive when you began
the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a
jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive
nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been
alive and practicing law somewhere.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Billy
Connolly's 14 things I hate about everybody
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....I know where
my watch is pal, where the f*ck is yours?
Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2. People who
are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote
because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too".
F*cking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?
4. When people say "it's always the last place you look".
Ofcourse it is. Why the f*ck would you keep looking after you've found it?
Do people do
this? Who and where are they?
5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?".
No tosser, I paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the f*cking floor.
6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".
Didn't really
give me a choice there, did you sunshine?
7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new,
then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then
there must have been something before it.
8. When people say "life is short". What the f*ck?? Life is the
longest damn thing anyone ever f*cking does!! What can you do that's longer?
9. When you are
waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus
come yet?".
If the bus came
would I be standing here, Kn*b head
10. People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'.
So what did
they used to be? ears,
Wellington boots?
11. When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?'
No it's really
revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.
12. People who announce they are going to the toilet.
Thanks that's an image I really didn't need.
13. McDonalds staff who pretend they don't
understand you if you don't insert the 'Mc' before the item you are
ordering.....It's has to be a McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger get
blank looks.
Well I'll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you f*cking McTosser.
14.
When you involved in a accident and someone asks 'are you alright?'
Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
These are so true!
1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your
pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.
5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator.
6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
8) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
11) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.
13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.
14) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.
15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
17) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.
18) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.
19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.
20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
21) Old women with mobile phones look wrong!
22) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
24) You never ever run out of salt.
25) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
26) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
27) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.
28) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
29) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.
30) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.
31) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard
32) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.
33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
34) Bricks are horrible to carry.
35) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> An Essex girl goes to the council to register for child benefit. "How many children?" asks the council worker "10" replies the Essex girl "10???" says the council worker.. "What are their names?" "Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne" "Doesn't that get confusing?" "Naah..." says the Essex girl "its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY or WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it..." "What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed council worker. "That's easy," says the girl... "I just use their surnames"
>
>
> An Essex girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a
garment on the counter. "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress."
she says. "Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear. "No" she replies.
"This time it's mayonnaise."
>
>
> Essex Girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator. The man
says "Choose from our range on the wall." She says "I'll take the red one."
The man replies "That's a fire extinguisher."
>
> An Essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped
and bleeding. The paramedics soon arrive on site. Medic: "It's OK I'm a
paramedic and I'm going to ask you some questions?"
> Girl: "OK"
> Medic: "What's your name?"
> Girl: "Sharon."
> Medic: "OK Sharon, is this your car?"
> Sharon: "Yes."
> Medic: "Where are you bleeding from?"
> Sharon: "Romford, mate."
>
> An Essex girl was driving down the A13 when her car phone
rang. It was her boyfriend, urgently warning her, "Treacle, I just heard on
the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the A13. Please be
careful!" "It's not just one car!" said the Essex girl, "There's hundreds of
them!"
>
>
> Another Essex girl was involved in a serious crash; there's
blood everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till
she's lying flat out on the floor. Medic: "OK, I'm going to check if you're
concussed."
> Sharon: "Ok."
> Medic: "Ok the how many fingers am I putting up?"
> Sharon: "Oh my god I'm paralysed from the waist down!"
>
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(( ring )))
((((((((((( ring-g-g-g-g)))))))))))
***pick up***
"Hello?"
"Hi, honey, this is Daddy .... Is your Mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank,"
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!
"Oh Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now!"
"Uh, Okay, then ... here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run
upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy and Uncle Frank
that Daddy's car's just pulled up outside the house."
"Okay, Daddy!"
A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well,I did
what you said, Daddy."
"And what happened?" he asks.
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran
around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went flying out the front
window and now she's all dead."
"Oh my God!!!!! And what about your Uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he
jumped out the back window into the swimming pool ... but he must have forgot
that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of
the swimming pool and now he's all real dead too."
***long pause***
***more pause****
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool???? Is this 555-7039?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
EVER WONDER Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
> Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
> Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
> Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
> Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
> Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
> Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
> Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
> Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
> Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
> When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
> Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
> Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
> You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
> Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
> Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
> If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
> If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
> In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
> On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.
> On a bag of Fritos: ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special)?
> On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???....)
> On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).
> On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
> On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:"Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...)
> On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time)?
> On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
> On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because???....)
> On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what)?
> On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
> On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)
> On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
> On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
Two peanuts walk into a bar, One was a salted
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> Dyslexic man walks into a bra.
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts. A woman comes up to him and says 'What are you supposed to be?' The man says "A premature ejaculation". "What?" says the woman. The man says" I've just come in my pants."
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> Man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the doc. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'.""That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, straight up, no bull!"
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've lost an electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
> -------------------
> Answer phone message"....If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...."
> -------------------
> Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before
> -------------------
> A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet." My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him". So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says" I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy"
> -----------------------------------------------------
> Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!
> -----------------------------------------------------
> Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chi. But I think it's Colin.
> -----------------------------------------------------
> I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
> -----------------------------------------------------
> I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'
> --------------------
> My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.
> --------------------
> A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
> --------------------
> I went to a seafood disco last week.... and pulled a muscle.
> --------------------
> Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
> --------------------
> A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's... um... well... I have five penises. "replies the man "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."
> -------------------
> Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
LITTLE BILLY ON ...GETTING OLDER
> > > > Little BILLY was sitting on a park bench munching on one
candy bar after another. After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from
him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will
give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat." Little BILLY replied,
"My grandfather lived to be 107 years old." "Oh?" replied
the man. " Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
"No" replied Little Billy, "he minded his own fucking
business!!"
*****************************************************
LITTLE BILLY ON...PHILOSOPHY
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you
shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on
little BILLY. He replies, "None,
they will all fly away with the first gunshot." The teacher replies,
"The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking." Then little BILLY
yes!, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench
having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice
cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is
biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?" The teacher,
blushing a great deal, replies, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled
down the top and sucked the cone." To which Little BILLY replied, "The
correct answer is 'the one
with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking."
***********************************************
LITTLE BILLY ON....MATH:
Little BILLY returns home from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father." "The teacher asked, 'How much is
2x3?' I said 6," replied BILLY. "But that's right!" says
his dad. "Yeah, but then she asked me, 'How much is
3x2?'" "What's the fucking difference? " asks the father!.
"That's what I said!"
****************************
*****************
LITTLE BILLY ON...ENGLISH:
Little BILLY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to
learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a
multi-syllable word?" BILLY says " Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little BILLY, that's a mouthful."
Little BILLY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."
*******************************************************
LITTLE BILLY ON...GRAMMAR:
Little BILLY was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to
go to the bathroom. He yelled out," Miss Jones, I need to take a
piss!!" Miss Jones replied, "Now, BILLY, that is NOT the proper
word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate'.
Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly and I will allow you to
go." Little BILLY thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight,
but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!"
***********************************************
LITTLE BILLY ON....GRAMMAR:
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of
hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same
sentence twice. First she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My
father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on
little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it
turned out beautifully. The teacher responded, "Excellent, Michael!"
Then, she reluctantly called on little BILLY. "Last night, at the dinner
table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said
"Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!"
Mary
had a little skirt
and
every time that Mary walked
Mary
had another skirt
...
but she didn't wear that one very often
Mary
had a little lamb
Now
it goes to school with her,
Little
Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
It
wasn't the spider that crept beside her,
Simple
Simon met a Pieman, going to the fair.
What
have you got there?
Humpty
Dumpty sat on a wall
All
the kings horses and all the kings men,
Mary
had a little lamb
10,000
volts went up it's ass
Georgie
Porgy pudding and pie.
When
the boys came out to play,
Jack
and Jill
Silly
Jill forgot her pill
Old
Mother Hubbard
When
she bent over
Little
Boy Blew.